Blogs and death.

The good things about blogs is that when your crush is a asleep you can post your emotional vomit on the internet for ALL to see and not just him. So blogs = worst than a crush because EVERYONE GETS TO SEE YOUR PROBLEMS YAY.

And now to the reason I logged onto my computer at this hour of 1:40-ish:
I am reading this book called The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I did not set out for today to be a sensational day but oh gosh it was. And one of the many reasons today rocked, for me at least, was this book. It is currently in the contending for my favorite. A lot of literature people will be mad, but my current favorite book is 1984 by George Orwell, if that tells you anything at all about much I love this book. I started reading at like 11:30 and have not stopped but to text and pee. I am but on page 103 because I am pausing and taking my time to soak up this first read.

I love this book because this girl (main character) is awesome, aside from the fact that she doesn't like my favorite movie. She is dieing with a great sense of humor and this kid has eye cancer and people are sometimes dumb. But there is an amazing sense of humor and truth in this book. I love it already. I know I am a poor American writer but if in the future this is how people write than I will regret not writing books. Hell, I may write a book just so I don't crazy with so many thoughts. Oh so many thoughts. I relate to this chick so much, beside the cancer. And we call Cancer Perks, Pulling the Cancer Card. Or just Cancer Card. But this book is awesome and makes me feel alive and dieing at the same time which is just "awesome" but but in like a sarcastic way. In a this is a good thing but not but yes.

Now the real real reason I wrote this post:
I do not not want to die. Ever. There are so many ways to die without dieing. I do not want to meet any more deaths. Child Adelia is dead but not forgotten along with a slight preteen phase and there never was a  reckless teenage Adelia. I do not want to get to adult. I do not know what stage I am at but I do not want to die. Happy go lucky Adelia is dead and hardly remembered. Depressed Adelia is thankfully dead; Good riddance to her. I do not know who this crazy person is but I do not want to die. Some would call this form of dieing "moving on" but I do not move on. I mourn on and compartmentalize grandly.  But alas "Pain demands to be felt." I can not ignore the deaths of me. I do not really truly deeply want to. I do want to physically die either. I may not like this body but it is ok and I live in it and I want to stay on earth and enjoy this life. I do not want to die.

But oh so much more than not wanting to die a "ton" of deaths do I want to live. I want to speak my mind. Go crazy. Stay up late reading and blogging. I want to hold hands with boys. Eat healthy and eat cookies. And eat cereal. And make dead baby jokes. And laugh out loud at books. And read. And cry. And scream. And jump. And stomp. And love and hate and feel. OH GOD DO I WANT TO FEEL. I feel so much and so little and I just so passionate about life. I do not want to die; I want to live forever. I want to eventually have sex and save the world. I want have eventualities. Now please do not let this post make you fear for my life. I, as far as I know, do not have a terminal illness other life. BUT OH GOD DO I WANT TO LIVE. I want to scream. I want to dance. I want to break rules. I want to sit at the round table and think. I want to write. I want to type whatever comes to mind that is semi-related to my topic. I want to go to class. I want to never sleep, (I wish.) I want to think messages to people to see if they can read minds. I want to feel the burning sensation of rage/anger and the empty despair. I want to be so tired from crying I get a head ache. I don't give fuck what it is. I want to feel it all. I want to live. I want to live. (imagine me yelling this, as the camera pans from above around me, I am spinning with my arms out in front of Geogria Hall on  a sunny day) I WANT TO LIVE!

And hopefully, oh god hopefully, I will.

p.s there are just so many thoughts and so little time to write and edit them all. Ah, but another reason to live yeah?

p.p.s I might edit this even more tomorrow. It is mostly unedited. BLERG.

p.p.p.s I don't feel like editing this but I finished this book and it is now my favorite.