A letter for you.

Hey Nick, I know you wont reply to this letter but maybe heaven has like it's own form of internet or fax or you are reading this over my shoulder or maybe you're just dead. But I'm going to pretend/imagine that you will read this. I am also going to imagine you are in heaven. I hope it's fantastic there. I hope you are having a blast and I hope you remember us. I miss you. A lot. I can't believe it's been a whole year since you died. I can't believe you are gone. I can't believe I will die and that there might not be anything after this. I do not know how I should act. I don't know what you would/do want me to do. Would/do you want me to tell stories about you? Cry? Try to be happy? Move on? Write you a letter? Call Hannah? Call your mom? Wear your t-shirt? Wear my unicorn t-shirt? Laugh? Pretend? Wear and do whatever I want? whatever I feel like? If you can see me then you know I have just been doing the last one only minus a few things that I know you would not want me to do. I didn't punch people in the face or skip class and cry all the time. I tried to do what I thought was ok. Oh my god I miss you so much. I know you didn't think you were wonderful or saintly or anything. And you are sooo not saintly and kind of mean sometimes but you were/are nice, funny, caring and awesome. I loved you so much. I still do. I don't know wither I want to forget you and feel guilty for not remembering better but not feel this pain or if I would rather remember everything and miss you so badly it hurts. Right now I have only forgotten your smell. I miss the fuck out of you. Sorry for cursing but you know.

I think, if you can, that you should visit us in our dreams or something and if you can only visit one please visit your mom. I know you loved Hannah but your mom must be a wreck. I sometimes feel like I have no right to mourn you since I wasn't Hannah or your family but if Taylor Berry and Ansley get to mourn you then by god I get to. I know you didn't like Ansley and I know that she is probably mourning you too. Hell, Hannah McBride, Taylor O'Quinn and a bunch of other stupid-faces are going to mourn you, or have finished, so I get to too. I know that mourning is not logical and I can't just stop and I know I probably deserve to mourn you so that is what i tell myself. But your mom, Autumn and Hannah have so much more of a right that I feel bad for feeling bad. I also feel kind of bad for no longer feeling this bad about my aunt or uncle. I know you are probably thinking/would think "Shut up Adelia, it's ok" and then a joke and your laugh but I really don't think I can help it.

I am wearing your hat. Tonight I'll wear the PNET shirt to bed and I will cry and I will whisper to you and when I cannot whisper I will think to you. I will remember you and think of you. Oh gosh, Nick.

I get so angry everytime someone talks about how sucky their life is. I would go through so much of their "shit" to have you be alive. To have you have beaten cancer instead of ding. I would do do much for you. And I will do so much in your name in the future. I am not wasting my life and I am not going to accept failure because you are gone and we are all that is left. I really hope you are proud of us. Please help Hannah get over her young and stupid phase without any permanent damage and please help me to help the world, if you can that is.

Thank you for being my first date and my first cuddle. Thank you for not making me talk about sickness. Thank you for being awesome. Thank you for having a fun funeral. Thank you for being so easy to remember. thank you for making me happy. Thank you for liking my crappy presents. Thank you for letting me play the cancer card and understanding. Thank you for everything.

I don't know how to feel this giant hole. I don't know how to cope with moving on. I don't even know how to move on. I miss you so much and I can't believe you're gone. I don't understand how it has been a year and I don't understand how you are gone.

I love and miss you. I will talk to you tonight.
Your Ex-Sex-Demon and forever friend,
Me

P.S. Hahahahahaha, see what I did there? Ok, bye.

P.P.S. Since we last talked face to face I got many hair cuts, new glasses, less pimples and got fatter then skinnier again. Here is my face: (if you have a house in heaven or a desktop or a picture file or something the you better put this in/on it!)

If you can not hear me later when I talk then this is, Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Sweet dreams Nick.